I had always thought being a mom won’t be so difficult.
Maybe the first few years might be worth it. Even if I wasn’t so sure of being
a great mom as my mom, I thought maybe I could be GOOD ENOUGH. Good enough to
be able to take care of Vrinda for atleast five years. Good enough till the
time she understood the meaning of ‘YES’ and ‘NO’ or ‘GOOD’ and ‘BAD’. Good
enough to make instant ‘right’ decisions for her. Good enough to play with her
infinitely, to entertain her all the time. Good enough to ‘GET HER’, to
understand her, to let her be.
I was wrong. And now I have discovered I can’t match up to my
mom or the good moms of the world. Good, how subjective it might be, definitely
seems unachievable right now. I feel all my efforts are not good enough. I see
fellow mothers doing it all so well. Doing it on time, doing it perfectly right(or
so it seems. For me the silver lining is that perfection is an illusion). They seem to be
going through the same path so smoothly, that I find awfully patchy and
painfully rocky. It’s a merry go round. I see them going up-up-up into the world
of happy-mother-child-ride and find myself going down-down-down into the world
of irritated-disillusioned-angry-mom-and-cranky-angery-toddler space. She is
angry b’coz I am not giving in to her demands. I am angry b’coz I am not able
to find better ways to get her off her demands. I am angry b’coz I am giving up
instantly, b’coz I ‘ve been loosing my patience every second minute.
Most importantly I am angry for ‘NOT BEING ENOUGH’. For not
being able to be a mom I dreamt to be. For not being able to handle the messy
spill of ‘toddlerism’ from my plate. Its over cooked, its overflowing, its
irritating me and driving me mad at times(lately most of the time). Its
anything but good enough.
All through the first year of babyhood, I was one with her -
she was me and I was her. I gave in all I could. Transition from a baby to a
toddler has changed it all. FREEDOM HAS REPLACED TOGETHERNESS. Today she has
her own world to discover, to explore. She is growing up socially. She is
meeting more people, at school, at play groups. And I am feeling ‘NOT ENOUGH’.
Last few months have been hurtful. It’s been painful to let go. To let her go
into the world and discover new horizons has been difficult. I have always been
very possessive of those I love. With Vrinda coming along, that possessiveness
became madness. I left my sleep, left my food, left my friends, and all that I
love to do, only to be able to provide best for her. But as she traverses into
new directions, I have come to a standstill. A huge transition for me, as for
her. And the hollowness of ‘NOT ENOUGH’ haunts me all the time.
The feeling of being a good mother and being able to make a
child happy is a big booster in a mother’s life. But what is good or bad is all
a matter of time and perspective. Every minute feels like forever when your two
and a half year old wants to wear her own socks, or eat her own soup or comb
her own hair. The clock stops ticking a million times during the day. I try to
keep calm and explain the right from wrong to her again and again, as much as the
good from bad a zillion times, but when the patience drains out, and I see
myself wearing the anger coat, I feel ‘that’s not enough’.
Then moments later we are both laughing and playing, making
it all worthwhile. The coin keeps flipping from ENOUGH to NOT ENOUGH to GOOD
ENOUGH all day long. My moods have become lightening like. There comes the
happy satisfied mom, and there goes the sad cranky mother. Its been a mad ride.
I had never imagined how terrible these TWOs can be, and how madly mad they
will drive me. As she sleeps beside me, peacefully dreaming about her evening
play time, I sit here writing, completely confused about my current status..Am
I GOOD ENOUGH OR NOT?
