Happiness is..

Looking at old photographs and wondering how time flies. And finding myself smiling at all the time well spent with beautiful friends,  and a loving family. Finding my little one still remembering incidents that happened two years back where we lived earlier and talking about her old friends with the same fondness that she has for news ones today and wondering on the magic of her memory and the warmth in her heart. But most importantly getting reminded to be like a child when it comes to 'friend'  matters.

25.08.2016  8:00pm mumbai

Going to School early morning in an auto rickshaw with lots of giggles and cool breeze. Spending beautiful time with your child, talking and just watching out. And then while eating her own banana, she suddenly asks the driver, "Uncle did you eat your breakfast?". Happiness is watching that smile on the driver's face , and knowing it was brought about by your child! It is that moment when you realize that your kid is turning out to be a really good person.

24.08.2016 mumbai  10:45am

Pretending to be the mermaid mumma who goes deep into the sea to find seashells for her baby mermaid. It is to just sit on the beach with baby mermaid and daddy mermaid and do absolutely nothing. To soak in the breeze and the surfs. To witness small hands building sand castles with undisturbed attention. To see those seashells that you have collected like a child on the beach, getting placed on the sand castles by your child! Absolute, pure happiness!

 11.08.2016 goa 11am

Getting into bed at 1am, beside your three and a half year old, and she turns around in her sleep and says "I love you. A hmm..  I can't live without you. I can't live without papa also." she then turns back and returns to her sleep, leaving me all in awe of what just happened!!  I remembered that I have been saying these lines to her lately, which she returned to me tonight in the most surprising manner ever. I had never imagined they would come back to me in this way. She gave a beautiful good night kiss on my heart!

22.08.2016  mumbai  01:30am

The Oxymoron called 'Motherhood'!

Motherhood, the title, the stage in a woman's life, the person that a woman can be, the sea of feelings that it exhibits, the whirlpool of ups and downs that it becomes, has all abilities to show us the best of times and the worst of times. These wonderful little people, the love of our lives, the lifelines that we create have a way of showing us who we truly are – the goodness in us, how bad we can be and how ugly things can get at times. While caring for them, as we nurture them to become independent individuals we find out how much love we’re capable of, but we discover some less pleasant things about ourselves as well. Its a Bitter Sweet space in our lives. 

My little one is no less. She brings out the worst in me quite regularly; frustration, anger, and even invoking the shouts from me when extreme levels reach. That's when I am left with the Only Choice of shouting out loud so that my LCD doesn't fall on the floor from the wall..Yes this is exactly what I am talking about! Housekeeping skills have slid downhill. There is no time for self grooming. Cooking is only kid-friendly. There are times when my husband complains of how my cooking is only focused around her choices now. Constantly trying to figure out ways to settle my small venture that i have delved into, I am Clearly Confused as to how to handle it all. My every weakness is exposed, pushed, stretched to the highest limits. There it is, right there, it sits tall on the table right beside her lunch plate, when the clock ticks an hour and it is still not finished. The worst side of me knocks from inside, as i take a breath to try some more tactics to feed her and experience more Pain for the Pleasure of seeing her well fed. 

However, if we look at the flip side of this magical phenomenon called motherhood, the scenario changes completely. Maturity happens through many areas in life, and I know I wouldn’t have the depth I have now if it wasn’t for her. When I look back at my former self, I had poise and control — things that made me look good from the outside. Yet she has an incredible way of exposing the dark truth within me and is instrumental in breaking down walls in my life. Today, only with three and a half years of parenting, I feel like a mess in so many areas. That’s what one might see from the outside, it’s true. But I know that I’m a Beautiful Mess.

I have been thinking from so many days. Every other day I would have a thought worth writing about, but somehow could not get down to it. The Stress levels have been pretty high lately. I have been experiencing the extremes of motherhood, just like a see-saw. Before we have kids, we know that motherhood will change us. We just don’t know how or how much. There are innumerable moments when I completely go into an indecisive zone. That zone comes to light when I think of all the good that has come to me since the time she has come into our lives. All the happy moments, all the happy feelings that are beyond anything else in this world, that emanate from her and strike my heart right at the center. Despite all of the negative attributes, I recognize that she has brought out so much more goodness in me. i am less judgmental,  I am more forgiving, I am letting go more often, I am opening up to newer things, and much more. I can truly say, without hesitation, that she is the best thing that has happened to me. Although she brings out the worst in me, with abundant measures and more, she also bring out the BEST in me. Absolute best.

As moms, we tend to be so hard on ourselves. We focus on all of our negative attributes. We wish we had more patience, we wish our houses were tidier, more beautiful – we wish for perfection. But she helps remind me that even though I am not perfect, chances are, I am better than I used to be. Maybe I am more forgetful than I was before she was born, but chances are, yes, I am also happier and braver.

When I look through the ways motherhood has changed me, I realize that the positive changes far outweigh the negative changes that she has brought about. As I go about my work , and hear her blabber her stories, sing her rhymes, her songs, talk to imaginary characters as if they are real, make noises, and just never stop, it gives me so much pleasure to know that the Larger Half of my life I have certainly been good. That i was bestowed with her, my angel baby, who bring out all the colors in me, who make me see things that I myself was incapable of, the depth of my love, the extent of my labour, the intensity of my anger and more..each day reassures me that I am good and there is a lot of goodness in me!

Grass is always greener where you water it !

Grass is always greener where you water it. I have been held up in quite a bit of stuff lately. Vrinda’s school, her learning troubles, the ever increasing unimaginable tantrums, my own work that I have been trying to set up, my desperate need of achieving a minimum of 6 hour sleep cycles, and managing the daily unending chores. But nothing seem to be falling in place. At times I feel like I am a superhero who can manage being at two places at the same time, at others I find myself sitting on the kitchen floor with a cup of tea, wondering how to put together this jigsaw puzzle.  

Having said that, for a mother all things fall in place as long as her child is in place. All is crystal clear as long as the way you want to crave for your child is getting carved. But the moment your brush trembles from your hand, the whole canvas starts to shake. Each day I try harder to put all my efforts in sorting out things that matter most, but it all falls flat eventually. 

The maze of my life keeps changing its shape each day, no matter how much efforts are put in, in order to stay put.

ORGANIZE: Some days I try to concentrate on keeping the house clean and organized and that is all I find myself doing. The day starts, Vrinda goes to school, I organize, I cook, she is back, we eat, she sleeps, I organize some more, she wakes up, I am engaged again, so this time we co-organize, then it's time for dinner, she sleeps and I finish my last battle of organizing, that puts an end to my day. 14 hours of my day at home down the drain just organizing the world around me. 

PRIORITIZE WORK: On other days my eyes open with the agenda of fueling my start up. I am all geared up to take up the world, to face the day, in all its colors and twists. I also manage to win a few battles here and there, but as I let my work take the center stage and push back the other life's stuff, the surface below my feet starts to tremble. I think of Vrinda and the activities that I need to do with her in order to improve her alphabet/number recognition. I keep hearing in the background the feedback I have got from her teachers at school and anxiety grips me even further. I think of the cooking that needs to get finished and the mess the house has been in while I have been at my work.

MOVE OUT: Few nights I chalk out my outdoor plans way in advance– visit to the banks or to markets. I micromanage my time in conjunction with Vrinda’s home coming from school – try to foresee how events would/should turn out and be prepared for the worst. Mostly on such pre-planned days Vrinda come home with a cold from school, and all goes in vain. I feed her and put her to sleep and get back to my regular work schedule.

CHILD FIRST: Then there are days when I concentrate only on Vrinda. We do fun activities, painting, coloring, crafting, playful studies and by the end of the day we are both highly exhausted. These are the days, when my house looks like it has been put in a box that has been shaken up by an angry toddler and then tossed and thrown on the floor. Forget about the cooking. I open the door for Anuj at night with half the face of a victorious mother who has taught her child well and the other half who has lost all other battles.

REALIZATIONS: After my many experiments of trying to handle one thing at a time, I am back to square one that as a full time mother, trying to juggle home, child, and a start-up, I must stick to the good old golden rule of balancing it all. Excess of anything is inappropriate at all times. So is concentrating on one thing. The best crop comes out when watered well across the field. Or else Grass will be greener only where it is watered.

3 years of Happiness!

My wishes for your years Ahead!

It’s so cliché to say, but time really does fly. And for us it has flown really really fast. I can still clearly remember sitting down at my computer to type my blog post for your second birthday, exactly around the some wee hours of the dawn, and here I am doing it again for your third. Yes I am quite late in writing this one, as I have been all caught up with my new venture. But each day after your birthday I’ve been pondering about writing, with a lot of thoughts hanging around me time and again, some keenly penned down, but most of them forgotten. I really thought as to what I want to say to you for this year—what wisdom I want to impart, what dreams I have for your year ahead, what expectations do I keep, what plans I have chalked out. So when I started writing this one, I wondered where to start? A small note on my phone came to rescue, that emphasized upon 'your kindness' as a child.

Ultimately I’ve concluded that what I wish for you now, as you have turned 3 years old, is that you "HOLD ON & KEEP MOVING IN THE SAME DIRECTION".

 >>>Hold on to your kindness, for with time it tends to fade away.<<<

My little girl, you are such a sweet child. And not just when you cuddle with Anuj or me  or whisper, “This is myyyy mumma, this is myyyy papa, I loooove my mumma, I loooove my papa” unprompted; your kind and gentle spirit extends to your friends too. Though I have been teaching you to be kind to elders, sweet to peers and gentle to young ones, the way you talk to them at times, just melts my heart away. Some time you sweetly ask one friend, “Would you like to play hide-and-seek with me?” and at other you ask, “Can I sit next to you, please?” Just two days back when I was taking you to your school, and the sun shone on your tender face, you told me "Mumma can you please set the sun aside?" Oh I was so mesmerized by that thought. This is more than just good manners (though I sincerely hope you hold on to those too). It is your deep and genuine kindness and innocence at play.

The sad news is this: Without a doubt, with time, as you make wider footprints in this world, the  people around you will try to steel away this kindness and innocence. They would want you to become a little mean day by day, so you can survive the harsh realities of life, so you can take the world head on! But as your mother, I want you to "Hold on to your kindness, and trust me you would be so much better."

  

>>>Hold on to your excitement, because too many people grow up to be bored,lost and dull <<<

This world is a really exciting place, and right now 'you' appreciate that more than anyone else I know. I see it in the way you flap your arms with elation when we walk by a dog  (“Look, Mumma, it’s a Dog!”) or when you squeal with joy at adding one more block to the skyscraper of a tower you’re building or a worksheet you are doing. The way the sight of a pit excites you and how you start shouting 'dig dig dig', or the thought of a monkey somewhere on a tree makes you start jumping like one, or how the three little pigs built their houses, or how the gingerbread man got eaten away by the sly fox are too good to be true for us adults.

I see it in the way you start running laps around the house—your excitement energizing your entire body—when you smell your favorite soup being made in the kitchen or when I say you can have a piece of cake after your finish your food  or that we are going to visit one of your friend's place. 

These sorts of things are meant to excite us too, yet the excitement of childhood rarely lasts. The monotonous responsibilities of adulthood can quickly make life seem boring: Go out and do your work, clean your house, cook, do your laundry, repeat day after day.

But please my child hold on to your excitement, and life will never be dull and neither will you. 

>>>Hold on to your inquisitiveness, for it will always serve you well and keep you abreast with life.<<<

 

Yes I admit, a lot of times its very annoying when you ask “WHY?” over and over again.  But when I stop and actually try to answer your questions and explain things to you, you listen with every ounce of your attention. I see the wheels turning as you process every word I say, be it about why the sky is blue or why there aren’t real dinosaurs in our garden today.You are so eager for knowledge right now. You are a sponge absorbing every drop of new information. 

Hold on to that thirst for learning, my girl! It will help you in school, yes, but also far beyond it. People who long for understanding are usually the ones who get it; people who are always open to new ideas are usually the people who have them. I want you to be one of those people. Be inquisitive, listen, learn, absorb, apply, excel!

>>>Hold on to your incredible ability to move swiftly with each of life’s transitions, because that’s a skill many of us are still seeking!<<<

 

This was quite a year for you. 

There was your first day of Preschool.

There was your first day of School in Nursery. 

There was the start of fun organized activities, like art and craft sessions, festivals at school, Annual Day, Sports Day, Carnivals and so on and so forth. You enjoyed all of them to the fullest and merged in swiftly.

You have not merely survived these changes; you have excelled in them. And we have marveled at you all this time. Anuj and I have been so so happy this past one year, seeing your talk endlessly, walk endless, and have an infinite energy reserve that you keep utilizing now and then, while leaving us in wonder of your amazing actions.

 

Hold on to your ability to do that, Vrinda, because life is famous for throwing us curve balls, and the best thing you can do is keep taking them in stride. 

 >>>Hold on to the infinite pool of your love, for this is the love that diminishes with time in almost all adults<<<

Last couple of months, Anuj and I have a seen a sudden spurt of your love for us. At odd moments, you come running to us and give kisses, blowing them at us from far away, you hug us all the time, and we have just been in awe of you you and been diving in the sea of your love. 

 

We really hope that this love remains, that it only grows with time, and never see a downward trend! My girl, I can't even imagine not being so loved by you ever in my life! So hold this love for us in your heart!

 

>>>Hold on to your faith in me, because I’ll always try to be better for you.<<<

 

I already feel that I am way too short of a perfect mother. What is a perfect mother by the way. Someone who would always be by your side, and not let you eat junk food at all, and never let you play endlessly, and always making you sleep on time and holds onto the concept of limited TV viewing? Because I am not doing any of that! I am being by your side, enough to let you feel my presence but let go of you so you learn to be on your own. I am giving you enough nutritious food, but spoiling you with a pack of noodles and chocolates at regular intervals. If you will not eat all this now, then when will you?! I am letting you play for N number of hours, because I know you have the liberty to engage in endless games only right now! I do let you sleep late, because I am desperate to get some work done so I let you watch way too many episodes of Peppa Pig or Holly and Ben's a little Kingdom while I type away on the computer or finish my chores.

I’m nowhere close to the perfect mom, but from time to time I do feel that I am the perfect mom for you! And I really hope, you too believe this as you grow up and understand the meaning of all this!

I am always trying to be better for you. I am always working to challenge my own weaknesses—my general lack of patience, my Type-A desire to have everything planned out, my tendency to give in to your incessant requests for chocolates, and on and on and on—in the hopes that your life will be better for it. 

Hold on to my hand - my love, because neither one of us is ready to let go just yet. 

 

When I look at this past one year I am shocked at how much you’ve developed in terms of language, understanding, your own sense of being an individual and how much more independent you are now. My heart both soars and aches to realize how much more independent you’ll grow over the next 12 months. What will be the milestones, where I will have to let go and where I would be adamant never to let go! As you navigate through these few important school years, I hope you’ll keep reaching for my hand, and I’ll keep holding on tight to it.

Your 3rd birthday brought thrice the happiness of what we felt when you came into our arms three years ago. Vrinda! You are so very very loved! And we are so so very lucky to have you!

Teething battles - The rise and rise of the ‘Molars’

I thought I was done with teething.  Sadly, no. Somewhere between your child’s first and third birthdays, eight molars break through. And if a sharp little incisor made your baby miserable, just think what a big square molar can do!

After the front and bottom teeth(the incisors) have come through in the first year, most toddlers get their teeth in this order:

• first molars between 12 months and 16 months
• canines (the pointed teeth on each side at the front) between 16 months and 20 months
• second molars between 20 months to two and a half years
• the third and last set of molars are wise enough to pop as and when they like.

When I recently visited Vrinda’s pediatrician, he confirmed a full form molar eruption in her tiny miny mouth. He laughed and said "she is going to be three on Nov 1^st which means she is a little late". Yes late as per the above pattern. I thought 'Pass'.

Some children do sail through teething with very little trouble. For others, it’s a few days of drooling, irritability and perhaps picky eating. At the other end are the children who really suffer. They may cry on and off through the day because of the pain, go on a hunger strike and have a broken, miserable sleep at night. Its only two days back that I found out that my little girl is sitting on this end.

If your child will let you touch her mouth, or atleast see peep inside, you may be able to confirm that the molars are about to break through by feeling the swollen bumps in her gum/seeing them, but what if you do see the swollen gums now and then, and when the time for their eruption comes, you completely forget about them? Yes toddlers do that to you at times. No matter how much track you keep of their milestones, a few important things are missed out eventually.

The same was for me, I never saw it coming. But with the sudden cough, cold and fever session; along with a complete loss for appetite, along with volcanic eruptions in her behavior, along with heavy duty tantrums, and a mouthful of blood on the third day of this whole thing, I knew something was gravely wrong.

As she woke up from her sleep and started fiddling with her mouth, asking me what’s in it, I looked closely, only to find the humongous eruptions of 3 mid molars in her mouth, one of which was bleeding profusely that morning. I got her to rinse her mouth and all the symptoms of her behavior from past couple of days, flashed back in front of my eyes.

At one point I hated myself, for not knowing it before. For not understanding. For not being there for her when all this was happening. Yes for her, this is “all that” similar to what happens in the world of grownups. It’s a big and difficult phase for her, for any soon to be three year old.

While it's helpful and so very important to know when your toddler is likely to have a tooth come through, the order and timing of how they’ll appear isn't an exact science. For most of us, we might not even remember that others are soon going to follow suit, once the incisors and canines are out. We are lost in a new world of toddler tantrums that we completely forget that history is going to repeat itself soon, that our child is going to go through that excruciating pain once again, only 100 times stronger.

On the hindsight, the good news is that teething doesn't last forever. One day she will have a shiny full set of teeth to be proud of, and forget all about her teething pains. But for now, there is a lot of pain, for both her and me.

I have been reading a lot on teething lately. One trustworthy site wrote that during teething you could offer your toddler something cold to chew on, such as:

• A raw carrot, cucumber or celery stick straight from the fridge .
• A cold, wet flannel.
• A chilled teething ring.

Cold, cold, cold. What if my child is suffering from a cold at the time teething knocks our door? All the above advice goes down the drain. Cold requires hot beverages to be administered. Whereas teething demands cold stuff. Now this is what I call an “I-don’t-know-what-to-do-situation”. And if this situation is coupled with fever, caused by a bacterial infection, that happens due to too much saliva being produced in mouth during the process of teething, which attract hands, dirty hands (no matter how many times you get them washed), and hence infections, you are in a soup. On top of the above, the liquids that develop inside the gums while molars are erupting also breed infections. Now this is a situation. I am kind of done for.

One other devil that is waiting to show up with all fervor is ‘Vomits’. Teething and vomiting have a live-in-relationship. The bigger the teeth in question, the graver the eating issues, the loss of appetite, the higher the number of vomits. It's scary when your child is throwing up. You are living this Exorcist moment time and again, and you will do anything to make it stop. But I am sorry, there is nothing that can stop it. Imagine feeding sessions of hours and hours, followed by a one minute throw up, followed by a pin drop silence for a minute and a count of 1 to 10 (off course by me! That’s my way of calming down), followed by cleaning, changing, and starting the feeding session once again. This is what encompasses the “Exorcist Moment”.

When you become a parent, you earn a medical merit badge of sorts. Weather you do this or that, eventually a few things faze you…they go out of control and you have no clue how to handle them. The rise of the molars is one of those situations. You are zapped by the extent of its devastation. As the child facing this devil, it drains her completely and as the mother fighting this battle, it drives you crazy! My only hope right now, is the gums to crack open peacefully, and those molars to cut through gently.