'Thoughts for Vrinda' - 'From my Memoir'

 

Image Courtesy Y.P. Arora

I have been writing since a long time. I don't even remember since how long. I still have a few memories of me sitting in the balcony of our Indore residence and penning down a few lines, trying to construct my first few poems.That was somewhere in the early 90's. I must be 10 or 12 then. Yes, I was that small.The love for writing has only increased since then. 

From nascent to matured - my  writing has seen highs and lows over last two decades. It has been through rough and happy times, from exciting to dull times, from positive to negative phases, from patient to angry moments. I have always liked to express and taken the help of words to document my feelings- good or bad. And if there is one thing I so badly want Vrinda to inherit from her mother's genes, it is my love for writing. I want to see her writing. Good or bad, that's not what matters. What matters is that she writes, that she thinks, that she weaves, that she constructs, that she molds, that she let go of all her inhibitions about writing and let the words flow...

My parents are around, and my father got me my old diaries, journals and notes from my school and college days. It was so nostalgic and amazing to turn those pages once again. As I read my entries, I thought of documenting them for my little girl. She might understand them a little later in her life, but they will definitely teach her a thing or two.

1. FOOD FOR THOUGHT (23.01.2001)

"What are you thinking right now? If your thoughts shape your life, would you want what you were just thinking to become true for you? If its a thought of worry or anger or hurt or revenge or fear, how do you think this thought will come back to you...?

Imagine yourself in line at a buffet in a luxurious hotel, where instead of dishes of food, there are dishes of thoughts. You get to choose any and all the thoughts you wish. These thoughts will create your future experiences.

Now, if you choose thoughts that will create problems and pains, that's rather foolish. It's like choosing the food that always makes you ill. We may do this once or twice, but as soon as we learn which food upsets our bodies, we stay away from them. It's the same with thoughts. Let us stay away from thoughts that create anxiety and pains and upset our minds.

My logical mind does not understand the importance of having those thoughts in my mind which always result in hurt, misery and sadness. But still at times I find myself ( and a few people that I know) opt for the same path. Why do we choose to forget that there is another path that takes us to happiness - the path of happy and positive thinking ."

2. MOODS & MISERY

Image Courtesy Joginder Sharma

 Nobody likes misery. Why not analyze yourself next time you are in a mood? You will see how you are willingly, willfully making yourself miserable. And while you are doing so, others around you feel the unpleasantness of your state of mind...You must remove moods from your mental mirror.

One should introspect each day in order to understand the nature of her mood, how to create it and correct it, if it is a harmful one. Perhaps you find yourself in an indifferent state of mind. No matter what is suggested, you are not interested. It is necessary then to make a conscious effort to create some positive interest. Beware of indifference, which ossifies your progress in life by paralyzing your will power. 

Suppose your mood is a conviction that you have failed at all levels, and can never succeed at achieving your goal. Analyze the problem and see if you have really made all the efforts you could have.

Or perhaps your mood is discouragement over a loss of goal. You must try to apply the laws of faith and keep trying again in order to re-reach your goal.

There would be times when your mood will come in the form of a mountain of denial. Denial that no one loves you. Denial that you are no understood and is all alone. Calm down. Talk to those who you trust. Ask them about the things those have done for you, whose love you doubt at that moment.You will definitely gain ground. Love remains in the heart always, it might take a backseat at times and choose to hide away. But believe, it is always there.

You can conquer your moods, no matter how terrible they seem. Make up your mind that you are not going to be moody anymore;and if a mood comes in spite of your resolve, analyze the course that brought it on, and do something constructive about it!

Polish Abolish!

Yes Ladies and my fellow mommies, it has been abolished. My nails have been done for. They have lost their love, their charm, their color, their polish. A time comes in all our lives when we have to do away with something we so love doing, something that makes us happy, that cheers us up during the most difficult and gloomy times. That one thing is polishing my nails, pink and red….and beige and peach. My make up consists of this one colorful thing that I can’t do without – my pretty pink nail polishes. 

But as my baby turned into a toddler, and that too quite a fashionable one (or so it seems), these have come of age. Their time on my nails is over. Their presence from my makeup box and my life is fast diminishing. It’s a fascination for her, to get her nails painted pink and orange. I don’t even remember how and when it all started, but I sure know that the end is nowhere near.

The eyes open with a dire need for it and sleep drools over with beautifully painted mini nails tucked away in the blanket in mummy’s lap. No matter how much I try, the day ends with a session of polishing. On good days, we miss out on polish, only because we have a lipstick in our hand. OMG that is another devil in the deep sea of girl-toddler-fashion-parade!

We as children never had such likes, either because our moms were not into such indulgence or we were obedient and listened to our parents when they said “No”. The later is much more believable and real. This seems farfetched in our times, when new age mommies have preferences and likes for such things fashionable and trendy. And why not? But then children happen! And the “end-it phases” come around, very often.

The other day we were dining with a group of friends, and as all mothers would do, I started discussing the “tiresome-times-of-nail-painting”, the “never-ending-polish-tantrums”, the “life-with-a-toddler” and there it was, the moment of “mean happiness” for me. The fellow mommy explained how her five year old daughter would put on the polish each day after coming back from school (as this is not allowed at school) and remove each night before going to bed. The sheer comparison made me happy. Please don’t judge me. But something tini-mini was very happy inside me. That I didn’t have to deal with the “removing” part as yet. I was happy that till now she has not seen anyone removing it from their nails. I was happy that till now the polish remover is not in her life. 

Not that I am not foreseeing this becoming a part of our life too. I am very much, looking at my darling girl. I know what’s in store for me, more polishes, and lipsticks and more make up. Until then I have taken a call to abolish my dear polishes from my life! Keeping a picture of the last application on my hands and feet, to look at and be happy about.

ABCDs OF A MOTHER

Vrinda, unaware of her mother's high expectations

 

When I sit back to think about the expectations my parents had from me, I know they were pretty low. As in, they didn’t want me to become a scientist, or a researcher or a doctor even. They probably knew where I will land – in retail. And this surely is low as per expectations. I am not trying to lower grounds for those who work in retail; it surely is a great place to be in. But not the number one choice of our parents- for their children.

When I think of what I want Vrinda to be or become, I can think of N number of things – a NATGEO photographer, a journalist, a Chef, a Fashion stylist, all this being on the low side of my expectations. At the higher grounds, I wish her to be a doctor, or an architect. My list of expectations ends here. Anuj has not drafted any. For him there’s a lot of time to think about Vrinda’s career choices and the dimension where we wish her to be. I disagree. Anyways, to each his own. I am still determined to make her a doctor.

First few educational lessons that children get are the basic As, Bs and Cs of the world. In our times we just had the ABCD. Now children have ABCD with ‘phonics’. A a a for apple, b b b for ball, c c c for cat and d d d for dolI. Okay. I didn’t even know what this ‘phonics’ is until Vrinda was in my tummy. That’s when I started reading about what’s in store for me. What is going to be the first few lessons at school for her. That’s when I was introduced to ‘phonics’.  It is definitely a better way of teaching, I must say.

Lets keep aside the regular ABCD’s for some time. As a mother to be, I had many thoughts running me over. So, on a subtle winter evening in October 2012, a month before Vrinda was born, I sat down to write my own ABC’s. I sat down to sketch basic fundamentals for what and how I would want her to be. There it goes….

A - ASPIRATIONS (Aspire high)

B – BLESSINGS (Bless all and be blessed)

C – CARE (Care for the ones you love)

D – DILIGENCE (Be conscious about your work and responsibilities)

E – EXPERIENCE (Learn and then experience. Do not experience and then learn)

F – FREEDOM/FREE WILL (Use your freedom wisely. Respect the free-will given to you)

G – GIVING (Do not shy away from giving what’s yours or not yours. Give love unconditionally)

H – HELPFUL (Always lend a helping hand)

I – INSIGHTFUL (Be accurate, perceptive. Always understand and then act)

J – JOYOUS (Find happiness from small things in life. Be joyful)

K – KNOWLEDGEABLE (Acquire as much as you can. Read. Read. Read.)

L – LOVE (Give love and get love. Get love and give it in return.)

M – MOTHER (All she needs is your love and respect)

N – NAUGHTY (Be playful)

O – OUTSTANDING (Look at things with a sense of achievement. Give your best to get best in return)

P – PASSION (Give it all to what you love to do. Be passionate)

Q – QUEST (Search for answers. Do not stop till you get them)

R – RESPECT (Your elders, teachers, the feelings of your friends)

S – SELF-RELIANT (Be independent)

T – THINKER (Think hard to get your answers. Think before you speak.)

U – UNASSUMING (Be modest. Be unpretentious. Do not assume. Ask)

V – VIVACIOUS (Be my beautiful girl. Be charming. Be lively. Smile)

W – WISE (Be a good judge of right and wrong. Be discerning)

X – X-FACTOR (Be significantly different. Noteworthy. Stand out.)

Y – YOUTHFUL (Let your age not be a judge of your actions. Always be youthful.)

Z – ZEAL (Bring out that enthusiasm in your work. Dedicate all your energy. Keeps the fire burning. Keep your zeal.)

Yes,Yes I know. I had high expectations then too (one can easily make out from the choice of words I have used defining each alphabet).  And so are they right now. I know she is just two and a half and has just started her pre-school. I know there is a long way to go, a long way to walk, until she reaches all these words of wisdom. In the meaning time, as a mother I am just penning down my wishes for my child. And hoping she actually learns my ABCDs by the time she is 30. I would surely succeed as a mother that day.

On the first day of school, a letter to my child’s teacher

I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but today you become one of the most important people in my life. You are the one. The one who I’ve entrusted to take care of my girl in my absence. The one who I’ve tasked with teaching her things that I cannot. The one who will make an indelible mark on her little soul that will forever shape her perspective of learning.

This is a difficult transition for our family because until this moment in her life, it’s been her Dad and me who’ve made these impressions. We fail and fall short each and every day, but everything we’ve done has been done with great love. Now, we’ll share our influence with you, and we hope that you understand your significance in her life.

These are the things we ask of you as we place our most precious gift in your hands:

Love her

We are sending her to you to learn reading and writing and arithmetic, but greater than her need for any academic pursuit is her need to be loved and cherished. Take the time to see her unique gifts and her unique challenges. You cannot love her if you don’t know her, and although your day is undoubtedly filled with a to-do list longer than anyone realizes, make this one first on your list. She will learn far more from someone who delights in her than someone who doesn’t. Show her that there are other adults in the world besides her parents who will love her, who she can trust, who will advocate for her, who see the good in her and will help her along this journey of life.

Encourage her

Although it’s easily lost in the day-to-day shuffle, remember the weight that your words carry. Our teachers carry incredible power in their words, and in many ways they tell us who we are and who we will become. Use your words wisely. Use them to encourage and empower her, to build her confidence. Open her eyes wide with the excitement of learning. Be the teacher who shows her that learning brings with it a world of adventure. More important than any lesson you can plan is to teach her to love learning. It’s the one lesson that will stay with her forever.

Teach kindness and respect

I know you will be focused on reaching academic milestones, but also know that more than any letter on a report card, I desire for my child to learn to live well with others. I tell her that she is special and wonderfully made, but she also needs to know that each and every other child around her is, too. Demand respect from her for yourself and for her peers, and do not accept anything less. Guide her to be patient and kind. Care for her and teach her to care for others.

Know how much we appreciate your sacrifice

Please know that I understand how much I am asking of you. I know that you stand in between these walls each and every day not in search of financial or professional rewards, but because you care about my child and many others. While you may feel undervalued by the rest of the world, please know that you are incredibly valued by our family. Thank you for the sacrifices you’ve made to spend your days with my little one. Thank you for all of the time, money and effort you spend preparing lesson plans, decorating your classroom, obtaining supplies that the school can’t provide. Those hours that you’ve spent that no one knows about and no one pays you for are not spent in vain.

You are investing in the future of my child, and for that I am forever grateful.

Courtney Schmidt is medical communications editor, Arnold Palmer Hospital for Children, Orlando, FL. She blogs at Illuminate.

P.S. I totally stand by the words penned down by the writer. This note from the beginning till end is hers, but they resonate my feelings as a mother word by word. My letter to Vrinda's teacher, as she commences the new chapter of her life, reflects a lot of these aspects. As she begins her Pre-School tomorrow, 12.01.2015, it also embarks me on a new journey, a new dimension and a new life. Tonight as she sleeps tight in her bed, all my heart goes out to my little angel, wishing her the best in the world of learning and education.

'THE LIES' - Good OR Bad ?

Growing up I had always wanted to have a daughter of my own. Ever since I was a little girl, playing with dolls and homemade doll houses (that my sisters mostly built for me, using pillows and bed sheets) fascinated me. Not that I had too many dolls, but the presence of a few pretty dolls made me dream of having a daughter one day and being able to buy as many for her as I myself could not own then.  Knowing I can’t have yet another doll, did upset me, but sooner or later it used to sink in. My parents were always upfront about what I can have and what can't be bought. The trust was always right there. In front of me. There was no false promising, no “I’ll-buy-you-the-same-toy-next-time-we-goto-market” scenarios. And I understood. We as children understood it then.

Hence, during my pregnancy, if there is one thing that I strongly felt I would never do to my child, it was ‘lying’. I had read books, blogs, and various articles on motherhood, on parenting, on what not to do in parenting. And this “not-lying-business” is something each one so profusely talked about. 'Never lie to your children!' 

And as any soon to be first time mommy would feel, I gave in to their sugary words. I was convinced that this is how I am going to raise my child, in a “lie-free environment”.  And when I delivered my baby girl, heard her first cry, heard the doctor telling me how angelic she looked, my heart stopped. I had reached that point from where there was no turning back. The truth had unfolded, and I promised myself then and there, that I will be a ‘never-lie-to-your-children’ mother.

But what the books don’t say is that being a mother is not really a matter of what you’ve read or have not read. Being a mother is about having a heart that can balloon with joy and love and gratitude but just as quickly deflate with frustration and exhaustion and defeat at any given time. Being a mother means feeling the happiest, and most content you have ever felt and then sometimes just minutes later wanting to shut the bathroom door and cry (something that I have done a lot during the first year of my baby, owning to insurmountable sleep disorders and a shutdown social life).  

But look at it the other way, and you will know what the books never tell you is that the best way to be a mother is not to know it all, it’s to make a million mistakes, tell a million lies and then fix them. Being a mother is actually about how deep you can go into your heart, both to find the 'lies' and 'forgiveness' for having told them. It’s losing all the pride you had in your former self, how you hate/hated lying or do not support it, or do not want to say it, but the moment you see those beautiful black-brown pearly eyes looking at you with a bag full of unanswerable questions, those non-achievable demands, those unexpected situations of on-the-floor-tantrums, those I-want-my-chocolate cries, those I-am-not-going-to-eat episodes, all you do is 'LIE'. Since you mostly don’t have the answers to those questions, you take to lying to save your day and night. You leave behind all sermons, all preachings, all tips for raising a well behaved child, because all you want is to have one in that moment- a child who would behave as per your wish if he is lied to. It pains my heart and fills it with guilt as much as leaves me in awe of how pretty amazing it is to have a precious little face sitting on your lap who believes you anyway.

 

The lying business (of ‘how a demon will come if you don’t sleep on time, ‘how a lion will come and eat you up if you don’t finish your food’, how the doctor will give an injection if you don’t stop screaming’ always leave me feeling sad. I must admit that I feel unworthy to be a mother of such an innocent child, so ungrateful, so un-everything that I should be. Then I think about all the mothers out there doing what I am doing, or not doing what I am doing, or doing differently what I am doing, or may be wondering what am I doing? I think of all the mothers, struggling to pass the lie detector test every single minute of the day – guilt free. I am also thinking if such mothers exist. Where are they? Who are they? I am thinking do my friend moms lie so much as much as I do?

The chaos, the sleep deprivation, the social life stagnation, the no ‘me-time’ repetition, the ‘i-need-my-space’ moments, pile up very high, making me look so small. The tussle between all these and my lying and my willingness to resist lying leaves me exhausted.

In just under two years of being a mom, there has been no shortage of I-don’t-know-what-I’m-supposed-to-do moments. I can only imagine there will be several thousand more, in years to come. The lies are just a part of the game plan. May be it is supposed to be this way. I recently read on a blog post by a fellow-lier-mother (No pun intended), “Our very best intentions and preparedness meets the reality that our kids are just tiny versions of our messy selves, and therein lies motherhood.” We can think about all the lessons of honesty and truthfulness our entire life, but if we are really living normally like we do, it is probably much, much messier than that rosy picture of a-lie-free-life-with-your-children. Sometimes we just have to surrender and let go and do not bother too much about the-so-called-parenting. And then take a breath and laugh a little, because the beautiful girl screaming herself to a fit of tantrum for not wanting to drink her milk will sooner or later calm down, and all she will want is to rest her head on your chest. She will not judge you that you lied to her a few minutes back. She will not be angry on any demon wanting to take her away or lion wanting to eat her up or any doctor trying to give her an injection. 

It’s so beautiful, this whole being a parent and raising a child thing. Beautifully fun, beautifully hard, beautifully testing and trying, beautifully lying, beautifully thought provoking and beautifully satisfying, But it is the best kind beautiful.