The sixth sense!

The sixth sense, that truly lies with kids...

Out of the million things that keep lying around in the house - used, unused, played with, not played with..thrown under the bed, hidden behind the cupboards, things that you eye each day to clean up and clear up.. and eventually sit down to sort and take up the process of segregating, to keep in play zone, to send to attic, to give away and to throw away, the one thing that you dare to throw, on that day, when they are away to school, comes back to haunt you, asking "why on earth did you throw me in the first place?" It echoes in your ears for the rest of the day, cursing you to have thrown it, while you did it for the good. For the good of the house, the space, for your kido (eventually making room for new toys), for that kido who might use the discarded toys. But that's life! Life with a child who is neither old enough to let go of them, or young enough to keep playing with them. This stage of being mid way is really mind boggling at times! Hey , not for her! for ME!

So, where was I, yes, as you take up the task of the month, your child will come back from the school and ask for that exact same toy that you threw away some time back and bring the world down while asking for it a million times. But you are stuck in your own soup... And its burnt now. So you have no choice  but to bring back the stuff that has been put in the attic, unpack the stuff that has been packed to give away, to stop the whining and expect them not to bring the heaven down. Lol, as if...

So what should you do now? You put some cotton in your ears, because the song for that thrown away toy is still playing... Make some tea,  regret your decision of taking up the task and watch your hard work of a few hours turn into a mess. Congratulations your kid has won yet another battle. Now its time for you to sit back with your tea and whine!

Happiness is..

Looking at old photographs and wondering how time flies. And finding myself smiling at all the time well spent with beautiful friends,  and a loving family. Finding my little one still remembering incidents that happened two years back where we lived earlier and talking about her old friends with the same fondness that she has for news ones today and wondering on the magic of her memory and the warmth in her heart. But most importantly getting reminded to be like a child when it comes to 'friend'  matters.

25.08.2016  8:00pm mumbai

Going to School early morning in an auto rickshaw with lots of giggles and cool breeze. Spending beautiful time with your child, talking and just watching out. And then while eating her own banana, she suddenly asks the driver, "Uncle did you eat your breakfast?". Happiness is watching that smile on the driver's face , and knowing it was brought about by your child! It is that moment when you realize that your kid is turning out to be a really good person.

24.08.2016 mumbai  10:45am

Pretending to be the mermaid mumma who goes deep into the sea to find seashells for her baby mermaid. It is to just sit on the beach with baby mermaid and daddy mermaid and do absolutely nothing. To soak in the breeze and the surfs. To witness small hands building sand castles with undisturbed attention. To see those seashells that you have collected like a child on the beach, getting placed on the sand castles by your child! Absolute, pure happiness!

 11.08.2016 goa 11am

Getting into bed at 1am, beside your three and a half year old, and she turns around in her sleep and says "I love you. A hmm..  I can't live without you. I can't live without papa also." she then turns back and returns to her sleep, leaving me all in awe of what just happened!!  I remembered that I have been saying these lines to her lately, which she returned to me tonight in the most surprising manner ever. I had never imagined they would come back to me in this way. She gave a beautiful good night kiss on my heart!

22.08.2016  mumbai  01:30am

The Oxymoron called 'Motherhood'!

Motherhood, the title, the stage in a woman's life, the person that a woman can be, the sea of feelings that it exhibits, the whirlpool of ups and downs that it becomes, has all abilities to show us the best of times and the worst of times. These wonderful little people, the love of our lives, the lifelines that we create have a way of showing us who we truly are – the goodness in us, how bad we can be and how ugly things can get at times. While caring for them, as we nurture them to become independent individuals we find out how much love we’re capable of, but we discover some less pleasant things about ourselves as well. Its a Bitter Sweet space in our lives. 

My little one is no less. She brings out the worst in me quite regularly; frustration, anger, and even invoking the shouts from me when extreme levels reach. That's when I am left with the Only Choice of shouting out loud so that my LCD doesn't fall on the floor from the wall..Yes this is exactly what I am talking about! Housekeeping skills have slid downhill. There is no time for self grooming. Cooking is only kid-friendly. There are times when my husband complains of how my cooking is only focused around her choices now. Constantly trying to figure out ways to settle my small venture that i have delved into, I am Clearly Confused as to how to handle it all. My every weakness is exposed, pushed, stretched to the highest limits. There it is, right there, it sits tall on the table right beside her lunch plate, when the clock ticks an hour and it is still not finished. The worst side of me knocks from inside, as i take a breath to try some more tactics to feed her and experience more Pain for the Pleasure of seeing her well fed. 

However, if we look at the flip side of this magical phenomenon called motherhood, the scenario changes completely. Maturity happens through many areas in life, and I know I wouldn’t have the depth I have now if it wasn’t for her. When I look back at my former self, I had poise and control — things that made me look good from the outside. Yet she has an incredible way of exposing the dark truth within me and is instrumental in breaking down walls in my life. Today, only with three and a half years of parenting, I feel like a mess in so many areas. That’s what one might see from the outside, it’s true. But I know that I’m a Beautiful Mess.

I have been thinking from so many days. Every other day I would have a thought worth writing about, but somehow could not get down to it. The Stress levels have been pretty high lately. I have been experiencing the extremes of motherhood, just like a see-saw. Before we have kids, we know that motherhood will change us. We just don’t know how or how much. There are innumerable moments when I completely go into an indecisive zone. That zone comes to light when I think of all the good that has come to me since the time she has come into our lives. All the happy moments, all the happy feelings that are beyond anything else in this world, that emanate from her and strike my heart right at the center. Despite all of the negative attributes, I recognize that she has brought out so much more goodness in me. i am less judgmental,  I am more forgiving, I am letting go more often, I am opening up to newer things, and much more. I can truly say, without hesitation, that she is the best thing that has happened to me. Although she brings out the worst in me, with abundant measures and more, she also bring out the BEST in me. Absolute best.

As moms, we tend to be so hard on ourselves. We focus on all of our negative attributes. We wish we had more patience, we wish our houses were tidier, more beautiful – we wish for perfection. But she helps remind me that even though I am not perfect, chances are, I am better than I used to be. Maybe I am more forgetful than I was before she was born, but chances are, yes, I am also happier and braver.

When I look through the ways motherhood has changed me, I realize that the positive changes far outweigh the negative changes that she has brought about. As I go about my work , and hear her blabber her stories, sing her rhymes, her songs, talk to imaginary characters as if they are real, make noises, and just never stop, it gives me so much pleasure to know that the Larger Half of my life I have certainly been good. That i was bestowed with her, my angel baby, who bring out all the colors in me, who make me see things that I myself was incapable of, the depth of my love, the extent of my labour, the intensity of my anger and more..each day reassures me that I am good and there is a lot of goodness in me!

Grass is always greener where you water it !

Grass is always greener where you water it. I have been held up in quite a bit of stuff lately. Vrinda’s school, her learning troubles, the ever increasing unimaginable tantrums, my own work that I have been trying to set up, my desperate need of achieving a minimum of 6 hour sleep cycles, and managing the daily unending chores. But nothing seem to be falling in place. At times I feel like I am a superhero who can manage being at two places at the same time, at others I find myself sitting on the kitchen floor with a cup of tea, wondering how to put together this jigsaw puzzle.  

Having said that, for a mother all things fall in place as long as her child is in place. All is crystal clear as long as the way you want to crave for your child is getting carved. But the moment your brush trembles from your hand, the whole canvas starts to shake. Each day I try harder to put all my efforts in sorting out things that matter most, but it all falls flat eventually. 

The maze of my life keeps changing its shape each day, no matter how much efforts are put in, in order to stay put.

ORGANIZE: Some days I try to concentrate on keeping the house clean and organized and that is all I find myself doing. The day starts, Vrinda goes to school, I organize, I cook, she is back, we eat, she sleeps, I organize some more, she wakes up, I am engaged again, so this time we co-organize, then it's time for dinner, she sleeps and I finish my last battle of organizing, that puts an end to my day. 14 hours of my day at home down the drain just organizing the world around me. 

PRIORITIZE WORK: On other days my eyes open with the agenda of fueling my start up. I am all geared up to take up the world, to face the day, in all its colors and twists. I also manage to win a few battles here and there, but as I let my work take the center stage and push back the other life's stuff, the surface below my feet starts to tremble. I think of Vrinda and the activities that I need to do with her in order to improve her alphabet/number recognition. I keep hearing in the background the feedback I have got from her teachers at school and anxiety grips me even further. I think of the cooking that needs to get finished and the mess the house has been in while I have been at my work.

MOVE OUT: Few nights I chalk out my outdoor plans way in advance– visit to the banks or to markets. I micromanage my time in conjunction with Vrinda’s home coming from school – try to foresee how events would/should turn out and be prepared for the worst. Mostly on such pre-planned days Vrinda come home with a cold from school, and all goes in vain. I feed her and put her to sleep and get back to my regular work schedule.

CHILD FIRST: Then there are days when I concentrate only on Vrinda. We do fun activities, painting, coloring, crafting, playful studies and by the end of the day we are both highly exhausted. These are the days, when my house looks like it has been put in a box that has been shaken up by an angry toddler and then tossed and thrown on the floor. Forget about the cooking. I open the door for Anuj at night with half the face of a victorious mother who has taught her child well and the other half who has lost all other battles.

REALIZATIONS: After my many experiments of trying to handle one thing at a time, I am back to square one that as a full time mother, trying to juggle home, child, and a start-up, I must stick to the good old golden rule of balancing it all. Excess of anything is inappropriate at all times. So is concentrating on one thing. The best crop comes out when watered well across the field. Or else Grass will be greener only where it is watered.