My little one is no less. She brings out the worst in me quite regularly; frustration, anger, and even invoking the shouts from me when extreme levels reach. That's when I am left with the Only Choice of shouting out loud so that my LCD doesn't fall on the floor from the wall..Yes this is exactly what I am talking about! Housekeeping skills have slid downhill. There is no time for self grooming. Cooking is only kid-friendly. There are times when my husband complains of how my cooking is only focused around her choices now. Constantly trying to figure out ways to settle my small venture that i have delved into, I am Clearly Confused as to how to handle it all. My every weakness is exposed, pushed, stretched to the highest limits. There it is, right there, it sits tall on the table right beside her lunch plate, when the clock ticks an hour and it is still not finished. The worst side of me knocks from inside, as i take a breath to try some more tactics to feed her and experience more Pain for the Pleasure of seeing her well fed.
However, if we look at the flip side of this magical phenomenon called motherhood, the scenario changes completely. Maturity happens through many areas in life, and I know I wouldn’t have the depth I have now if it wasn’t for her. When I look back at my former self, I had poise and control — things that made me look good from the outside. Yet she has an incredible way of exposing the dark truth within me and is instrumental in breaking down walls in my life. Today, only with three and a half years of parenting, I feel like a mess in so many areas. That’s what one might see from the outside, it’s true. But I know that I’m a Beautiful Mess.
I have been thinking from so many days. Every other day I would have a thought worth writing about, but somehow could not get down to it. The Stress levels have been pretty high lately. I have been experiencing the extremes of motherhood, just like a see-saw. Before we have kids, we know that motherhood will change us. We just don’t know how or how much. There are innumerable moments when I completely go into an indecisive zone. That zone comes to light when I think of all the good that has come to me since the time she has come into our lives. All the happy moments, all the happy feelings that are beyond anything else in this world, that emanate from her and strike my heart right at the center. Despite all of the negative attributes, I recognize that she has brought out so much more goodness in me. i am less judgmental, I am more forgiving, I am letting go more often, I am opening up to newer things, and much more. I can truly say, without hesitation, that she is the best thing that has happened to me. Although she brings out the worst in me, with abundant measures and more, she also bring out the BEST in me. Absolute best.
As moms, we tend to be so hard on ourselves. We focus on all of our negative attributes. We wish we had more patience, we wish our houses were tidier, more beautiful – we wish for perfection. But she helps remind me that even though I am not perfect, chances are, I am better than I used to be. Maybe I am more forgetful than I was before she was born, but chances are, yes, I am also happier and braver.
When I look through the ways motherhood has changed me, I realize that the positive changes far outweigh the negative changes that she has brought about. As I go about my work , and hear her blabber her stories, sing her rhymes, her songs, talk to imaginary characters as if they are real, make noises, and just never stop, it gives me so much pleasure to know that the Larger Half of my life I have certainly been good. That i was bestowed with her, my angel baby, who bring out all the colors in me, who make me see things that I myself was incapable of, the depth of my love, the extent of my labour, the intensity of my anger and more..each day reassures me that I am good and there is a lot of goodness in me!
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