As i delved into the new realms of motherhood, coming across various baby issues, to toddler matters, this new level of parenting, my girl steping up a stage from toddlerhood has got me real bad!
The times when either she doesn't listen to the instructions given, or ignores them, or reverts with the most unthinkable answers has made me rethink my parenting skills. Becoming a mother, gives you a high and a sense of achievement, giving you a feeling that with time, everything will fall in place. But as I am moving forward, it seems like an illusion. Something that's scary. Something that seems difficult to master. At least for now.
So, lately, this little girl has been on a very different tangent. Behavioral changes, that i see in her are trying to be like me, resonating me or her teachers, showing a great deal of command , to the extent of pushing back and back talking at times. Now I have seen quite a few kids who back talk. But facing this myself was a shocker, a complete disaster and felt like a failure of sorts.
It drove me CRAZY (!!!), and i wondered what would be the right thing to do - silence her by making clear who is the mom, or by letting it be, thinking its one of the times and might just pass? But on introspection, I realized what if silencing her holds her back? What if by silencing her i end up stopping the real emotions that she has been feeling and venting out through back talking? One thing I knew that talking back was perennial, it had to come at some stage in life, as happen with daughters mostly, but it would come at four and a half, well, I wasn't prepared for that!
I have been trying to develop my on time coping mechanisms. When she is talking back or mouthing off, it completely pushes my buttons! Staying calm feels incredibly hard, even though i know — in theory — that a calm response is best for everyone involved (as well as my blood pressure). So I stay calm, divert my mind, try to divert her response, or divert the whole issue in hand. But that works in rare cases. As she is growing, her memory and her ability to stick to the matter in hand, or the topic we are discussing has been increasing leaps and bounds. And hence, she is a difficult person to divert from the points of discussion.
So, I started reading up. And I read quite a surprising take on this matter.
The whole summary of the research pointed how the phenomenon of kids pushing back (and not talking back), is actually great for their development? Really, lets know how !
The experts agree, this behavior is actually developmentally healthy for kids. Clinical psychologist Kelly M. Flanagan explains that "the inability to say "No" — the inability to set personal boundaries — is one of the most common, insidious causes of human suffering."
At its core, when kids push back at your authority, they're trying to exert some sense of control over their own lives. They're practicing that skill — flexing that muscle, if you will — with you.
Wouldn’t you rather have your child learn to negotiate with you, first, than feel obliged to follow some other kid's directions the first time a pushy peer says, "Come on, everyone’s doing it?" Or blindly follow the directions of an adult acting inappropriately toward your child?
Focus on HOW They Push Back
We're ALL desperate for our kids to master the skills they need to stand up to peer pressure or danger when faced with difficult life decisions.
What if your ability to embrace (coach and help manage) your child’s burgeoning independence is the key to teaching those critical negotiation skills? Skills that enable your kids to say "No" to drugs and delay sexual experimentation until an appropriate age?
The truth is — it’s NOT whether they push back that really speaks to your authority. They’re kids. They’re going to push back. That’s their job. Your authority lies in HOW they push back, and in HOW you respond to them.
Are you teaching your child to challenge you with respect? Are you setting expectations (and positive examples) for appropriate communication? Do you help them understand and take responsibility for the consequences of their actions?
Your children’s ability to negotiate risky or adverse circumstances improves when you teach them to exercise control with self-awareness, respect, grace and calm.
Who’s In Control, Anyway?
We want to feel good about ourselves as parents, and somehow a 2-year-old saying, "NO!," a 9-year-old saying, "Why do I have to?" or a 14-year-old saying, "You’re not being fair" triggers insecurities about our competence as parents.
We feel like we must maintain a minimum standard of authority as parents. Partially because that was the model WE grew up with (e.g. "I would NEVER have spoken to my parents that way!"), and partially because we want to feel like we have some sense of control over our kids. Life is easier (in the short-term, when they just do what we say). But we don't ultimately have control over our kids. Not really.
Kids come into the world with a path of their own to follow. From a very early age they start teaching us this lesson, veritably screaming at us: "It’s not about you; it’s about me!"
Sadly, it usually takes us years to grasp the message — if we ever do.
What Your Child Wants You to Know
In different ways at different stages of development, the message is the same:
They are independent beings with their own thoughts, feelings, and ideas. They are on their own path. And while it's your privilege supervising them on their journey, their journey is still their own, not yours.
For kids to grow into healthy, independent adults, they need to practice making decisions for themselves, and negotiating for what they want — even if what they want seems absurd or unimportant to you. Because, it’s not about you.
If they can negotiate feeding the dog at 7:00 pm instead of 6:30 pm now, they're better prepared to negotiate with their college professors, with their manager at work, and with a spouse or partner at home in their future.
Remember ... You're Raising Future Adults
Parenting a child toward independence almost feels like a contradiction in terms. But when we remember that we’re not raising children, we’re raising future adults, it helps a lot.
So the next time you hear yourself say — "How dare you talk to me that way?" ... or, "Because I said so" ... or even, "I gave you a direction and I want you to do what I said" — think about the message you're sending, and ask yourself how you might empower your child, instead.
How can you maintain your authority, without needing to exert control?
For example, a simple response to ugly tones and language, try: "Do you have a different way to say that?"
Requesting that they finish a chore, but do so offering them a chance to decide when to do it: "I’d like the dishwasher unloaded before dinner and it’s your turn today. What time would you like to do it, and would you like a reminder?"
Remember, this is a process, and it will take time to turn the ship. A few well-placed questions will not magically shift the relationship currently established. But a move in new, supportive, understanding direction is a powerful play towards fostering your child’s independence — which is ultimately what parenting is all about.
Well, the above is quite explanatory. And I will be more than happy if things turn out like that. As a WIP, I have been trying to mend my ways which involves realizing that as she is growing, her need to be listened to and asked from before taking a decision, that involves her, is pertinent. That I cannot decide based on my requirements. And so I am trying to be a little tricky now. When I want her to do both A and B , I ask her what would she like to do, A or B? If, she chooses A, she does A now and B later and vice-versa. And what about C, her choice of work? That happens when both A and B gets done! Lets see how long this works.. until then I am a mother WIP.
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